Welcome to the middle of my story, the messy middle. These past few years God has taken me on a sacred journey. He has been wrecking my idols, false belief systems, lies; everything has changed for me. My core values have changed drastically. I question a lot who I used to be. I mourn the damage I have perpetrated or the role I played in damaging systems. I dream about what could have been and what could be. I do not have the answers yet, so I have been quiet.
In order to be a better mother and wife I have become aware of my past traumas and triggers. My inner work has resulted in being able to feel my emotions. I love deeper than I have ever before. I never knew how cut off I was from my emotions, from my heart. I never knew how cut off I was from my body. I am coming home into my body and honoring my heart. It still feels very raw and vulnerable, so I have been quiet.
This is me telling you it is ok to be messy. It is ok not to have the answers. It is more than ok to not be perfect. It is ok to be doing the work in secret. But there is a point, and I am getting to that point; where the discomfort of going along with the status-quo to protect your process and inner work is no longer an authentic expression of yourself. It is messy. I’m messy. I am trying to figure it out, so I have been pulling away. I’ve been setting inner boundaries. I’ve been steeling myself in my identity, aside from the affirmations of the outside world. So here I am, no longer being quiet.